Depression & the Girl Who Overcame It

Last night (8.28.15), I saw a concert with two beautifully strong female headliners. One of which helped me go from the worst version of myself to the best. Here's my story. 

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. The why isn't important. This story is not about WHY I was depressed or WHAT happened in my life. This story is about the fact that I have, somehow, been able to change it.

Around this time just over a year ago, I was in the worst place mentally and emotionally. I was more depressed than I had ever been in my life. In the past, I would have at least one (if not more) suicidal thought a day. I can remember doing the dishes and thinking how easy it would be to use the knife I was about to put away. I'd be gone before anyone got home. But last year, I found myself visualizing far different ideas.

I have life insurance for my daughter, when I die, but it's said that if one commits suicide, that insurance is void (I'm not sure if that's true but I believed it with all my heart at that time). While driving most days, I'd find myself thinking, "an accident would be the perfect way. Just act like something's in the road, swerve to miss it, and go flying off the bridge. It wouldn't be ruled a suicide and Emma would get the life insurance money." - that's just one of many ideas. How I kept myself from doing it, I'll never know.

I never told anyone. Why would I? They'd tell me to get help or they'd tell me that I was just "sad" (by the way, sad is NOT depressed. If someone tells you they are depressed, believe them. I don't care if they are just saying it for attention. Believe them and help them). I was SO good at hiding my depression or at least minimizing it. When I was with a group of people, I'd smile and laugh and act like nothing was wrong but once I was alone, darkness covered me.

This is where the concert comes in. During this time, I heard a song by Christina Perri, which then led me to listen to one of her albums, and then another. Every song spoke to me and a couple felt like I could have written them. Those were the songs that I would listen to back-to-back, all day. They were sad and tortured my heart with their words but they were ME. Her music "saved" me. Something about her words, her voice, transferred deep into my heart and cleared the darkness, even if just for a minute.

I fell in love with a guy and was heartbroken over the break up.

I listened to Christina Perri.

My husband and I signed divorce papers.

I listened to Christina Perri.

I was heartbroken for the second time by the guy I fell in love with.

I listened to Christina Perri.

I participated in a 12 mile obstacle race with the one I was heartbroken over.

I listened to Christina Perri.

I found out he was dating someone new.

I listened to Christina Perri.

My daughter spent most of Christmas with her dad and his then girlfriend.

I listened to Christina Perri.

I was sexually assaulted.

I listened to Christina Perri. A LOT!

My Grandmother passed away.

I listened to Christina Perri.

It took months.... almost a whole year..... but the darkness slowly went away.

Now, a year later, I find myself on the opposite side of the spectrum. Yes, I still have moments of sadness but, again, sadness and depression are NOT the same thing. When I used to get 'sad', I'd automatically jump to "this world would be better off without me" but now, if I find myself feeling down, I just think of 5 things that make me happy. When I start to doubt that something will happen for me, I repeat affirmations (in my head) as many times as it takes for me to start believing it. If I need to cry, I cry.... but it doesn't last long.

This summer has been rough for me. A lot of changes, good and bad. A lot of heartbreak. A lot of disappointment but I'm still happy, I'm still optimistic, and, for once, I'm excited about the future and all the possibilities.

Now that I have my depression under control, it's time to work on my anxiety.

If you find yourself depressed and/or having suicidal thoughts, please seek help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.

I have a secret and I'm tried of keeping it in......

Oh my, where do I begin?

In March of 2014, my marriage came to an end. It was a devastating time for me and I did the only thing I thought would help me get over it, I dated. And I dated a lot. Some a little more serious than others.

My last date came a week before Christmas. I met this very cute and seemingly nice guy at a karaoke bar while I was out on a girls night. We got to talking and he asked if I'd meet him for a late meal (red flag #1). The "date" seemed to be going very well and I started to really like the guy. After we were done eating, he walked me to my car. As I was about to leave, he stopped me and asked if I'd like to sit and talk some more, in his car (red flag #2). I was hesitant but lonely, I hadn't had someone to talk to in a while. I missed the companionship, the communication. I told myself that I was being too paranoid. Besides, we were in a public place, there's no way he'd try anything inappropriate. But I couldn't have been more wrong.

I was sexually assaulted that night.

After what felt like an eternity, he let me go and went on his merry way. I felt immediate shame and kept telling myself that it was all my fault. I was stupid and careless. I took all the blame.

This went on for months.

Luckily, I had girlfriends that I confided in almost immediately and they talked me into pressing charges. Let me tell you, if you haven't gone through that, it's one of the most emotionally exhausting and heart wrenching things a person can go through. I had to tell my story over and over, I had to call the guy and listen as he lied over and over, and I went home feeling even more ashamed. I lived in fear for 3.5 months, wondering if he was going to retaliate for me saying something to the police. That may not seem like a long time, but when you are legitimately scared for your life, it is. I told myself I wasn't going to date cause I needed to work on "me" but the truth was, I was scared to death to go on another date, afraid that it would happen again, and that it would much worse the next time.

The longer I was alone, the stronger I felt, the less afraid I was, and the more empowered I became.

Now, I don't write this for attention, pity, or sympathy. I write this for YOU. The one sitting there holding onto a secret, too afraid to let it out. The one reading this, feeling exactly as I felt. The one wishing you had someone, anyone, to talk to. Please, if you've been assaulted in any way, let it out, talk about it. Lets make this issue less taboo, less "uncomfortable".

You are not to blame. That "person" who had so little respect for you, who couldn't be bothered to see you as a person.... They are to blame! Don't carry their burden or their secret anymore. Let the world know that you are a warrior because you are!